Tension of the opposite.

I was still in my praying clothes while I'm writing this. I tossed and turned around for an hour or so, gawking at my screen (yes, using gawking again-coz that's exactly what I'm doing 97.5% of my time.) Feeling this boxed-room crushing my ribs to a perfect contact with each other. Enclosed by these four-sided impossible wall.

I'm missing my family, my mum especially. It feels like forever since i last have a real conversation with her. Back when i was being less of a stubborn, more of a hippie and carefree. Maybe it's the post effect after my weekly yoga class- when i saw my instructor (who also happen to be a surgeon) exchanging kiss with her mom warmly before they bid each other goodbye. How i wish i had one of those me-and-mommy-time on a weekly basis. Or even daily, I wouldn't mind.

If you have your mom within walking distance would you be a dear go and give her a hug for me, please?

I spent Easter weekend literally doing nothing. I didn't even care to open a single medical-related book at all. Not much of a surprise, coming from me, but somehow i did feel the time passing. In slow motion that is. Backtracked almost.

Everything that came crawling,crying,pleading, begging in urgent before the exams somehow managed to find their way rushing out the window.

Merely seized to non-existence.

What was it that keep obstructing my attention and constantly pulling me back to the same point of internal battle over and over again to begin with?

Why can't this state of consciousness come knocking a little earlier to give me comfort hence put me somewhere a little more sane?

When will I truly realize and discover that my ignorance can actually (or rather literally) costs life, thus starts working harder- whether or not it's an exam period.

Like I said. Mundane thought and insanity. Who would do that?!

But then again who made up those rules? Who said the over-indulgencing yourself with self-study regardless the exam date is such a repellent idea?

Well, there's a voice in my head telling me exactly that. Part of it has to do with the childish idea that I'm scared if i work hard enough, I would suffer more if the results doesn't meet my expectations. If I don't then i can always blame that 'effort-less' part of me that could have tried to strive more.

My dearest me,

You too, are entitled to extraordinary numinous destiny of your own sense of being, but first, you must agree to rub your eyes and wake up.

Let's carry less luggage and go much further. Will ya?