Tuesday, 25 December 2012


at 16:17 0 comments

It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bear. The pressure to be better than we are.


at 15:52 0 comments

Having a lot of thoughts that sometimes sounds a lot cooler in your head is very frustrating.

Then, when you start to sit down typing it down, those thoughts that u are excited about to make a good keeper piece somehow manage to vaporize.

Hence the excuses for lack of consistency in my writings.

So that's it.

My baby small steps climbing up.


Saturday, 24 March 2012

Lets grow up a little.

at 09:44 0 comments

If i were to describe this particular fraction of my life in medical school in a small town in the middle of Europe (mostly unknown to my people and patient or even doctors in Malaysia) in a word, without hesitation, it's solitude.

If you ever got the chance to visit here, you would know instantly what i meant. The environment is so settled, fresh oxygen supply on daily basis, away from the constant need to rush-the-pace-or-else-you'll-get-pushed-aside kind of morning.

Coming from a small town, (heck, the smallest!) I on the other hand, have no trouble fitting in. Being here all these while meaning all that I'm familiar with was left at home. Family, my significant other, my friends, all now a permanent residents that reside in my laptop. Many many nights I longed for warmth and comfort of those miles away. How different things will turn out if I would be somewhere nearby.

Atop of all these, I happen to be someone very picky about the company i keep. That left me not many options, sometimes, i opt to be left out rather than being surrounded but not being able to laugh along and being accused as the spoiler of the environment.

Maybe because I couldn't bring myself to simply laugh along or talk about things that involve other people's privacy matter for the sake of our own amusement. All the constant comparison of this and that.

Maybe because of the glossy superficiality and the quick judgmental comments makes me wonder how will they treat you, should they know you well enough, or even if they know you at all.

Worst, if in the end you find out your most deepest insecurities becomes the next subject of public discussion and scrutiny.

I guess this high school habits wont be going anywhere anytime soon but the difference now, we can always opt out and I don't know, maybe, just maybe, grow up a little.

Till then!

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Unwanted advice?

at 14:51 0 comments

Here's too something that I stumble upon my readings and watching various talk. Phrases that caught my attention.  A few lines that i privately  look up too whenever i turn bitter and feel worn and teared out.

Be an empty bowl. It's more promising than the full one. Remove as much arrogance as you can, remove self-importance, set back, be nobody so that you can be  a part of something bigger.
                                                                                                         Yasmin A.

If we have goals and dreams and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is not to hate ourselves for having them. In the end, we need to learn to accept the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly, it reminds us that we can do better.
                                                                                                    Kathryn Schulz.

People who listen learn, and people who continually talk learn nothing.Never assume that things are done simply because the decision have been made.
                                                                                                         Dr M.

Having money in abundance doesn't seems like a good reason to waste it. 10 minutes, once gone, are gone for good. 
Turn mistakes into opportunities. Only those who are asleep make no mistakes. 
                                                                                                Ingvar Kamprad

                                              I hope they're worth sharing. 
                                                             Till then!

Our allies- Paulo coelho

at 00:42 0 comments

Our allies

Our allies will not necessarily be the kind of dazzling people to whom everyone looks up and of whom they say: ‘There’s none better.’
On the contrary, they are people who are not afraid of making mistakes and who do, therefore, make mistakes, which is why their work often goes unrecognized.
Yet they are just the kind of people who transform the world and, after many mistakes, manage to do something that can make a real difference in their community.
They are people who can’t bear to sit around waiting for things to happen in order to decide which attitude to adopt; they decide as they act, well aware that this could prove highly dangerous.
Living with such people is important because we need to realize that before we face our goal, we must first feel free enough to change direction.
Join with all those who experiment, take risks, fall, get hurt and then take more risks.
Stay away from those who affirm truths, who criticise those who do not think like them, people who have never once taken a step unless they were sure they would be respected for doing so, and who prefer certainties to doubts.
Join with those who sing, tell stories, take pleasure in life, and have joy in their eyes, because joy is contagious and can prevent others from becoming paralysed by depression, loneliness and difficulties.

Friday, 10 February 2012

Foreign Body

at 17:11 0 comments

1) I can't sleep on unmade bed.

2) I hate cockroaches. Even worst when it flies.

3) The only place that i can shut my mind off things is staring blankly at the ocean. Guess the vastness manage to keep my mind quite. Too bad czech doesn't have any.

4) Favourite season: autumn. Golden but decayed. Melancholic but romantic.

5) People said i read a lot. Wrong. I only read before bed. Regardless how tired.

6) I love the smell of a fresh scent of the earth whenever i passed by a recently mowed lawn.

7) If i despise someone, i can act like they never exist. As if their physics fall on my blind spot.

8) Hate scary movies. Hate them.

9) Chicken breast or drumstick? DRUMSTICK.

10) Very good in blocking out unpleasant memory.

11) Loves dimmed light. Both warming and soothing.

12) Have the world's smallest urinary bladder.

13) Always want to know how dessert sands feels like in between my toes.

14) Sometimes surprised on how emotionally independent I can be.

15) Makes me laugh, (a lot), then you're in.

16) Watched the Lake House and Armageddon for the nth of times.

17) Loves waking up to the prospect of a good breakfast.

18) Loves breakfast food.

19) Finding it hard expressing myself in my own mother tongue. Unpatriotic I am not!

20) Finds Paulo Coelho, Shonda Rhimes,
Frank Lloyd Wright, Nigella Lawson, Yasmin Ahmad a bunch of geniuses.

21)Have a thing for bright red mini cooper.

22)Doesn't remember birthdays very well.

23) Hates birthdays.

24)I too loves how the pages the smell whenever i bought a new book.

25) I love well-presented food.

26) I have to finish up the entire tube of ink in the pen before buying a new one.

There there,

It is better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly. -Elizabeth Gilbert


Till then!

Thursday, 12 January 2012

No pun intended.

at 01:38 1 comments

I started having twitter few months back, and all due to my boyfriend who said it would be kind of cool to have me there as well (or did he?). Along getting my internet phone activated, i agreed and open up one. So there, beside this little window for updates, i got myself a little bird to do the job getting info from the rest of the world. Well at least in my little world.

You probably get here through my twitter as well, as i put the link there. I'm not sure why myself, maybe i thought 140 character is not enough to do my bubbly extrovert-ness a justice. *wink

Like any other social media, the my love-hate relationship is strictly unavoidable. 

I'd rather say it serves me well, at times. You know especially early in the morning while getting your coffee to go or in bus/tram ride to hospital, a quick update wouldn't hurt. It also makes me look busy and important avoiding any real social good-morning greetings. Or if you bore me with the details. What could be a more bigger turn-off than pretending to listen while simultaneously finding an opportunity pause for a quick glance at the phone.

I did too, follow some advice, quotes, news, and of course friends here, as well as back home. Updates, both others and mine, had somehow affect me differently.

Don't get me wrong, i do get the feeling of telling the world a passing thought and the urge of wanting to be bold, to be heard. In fact, i got it all the time. Why do you think i have a blog dedicated to solely me and my thoughts in the first place? *wink again.

But then again, it makes me judgmental and cynical. 
More than ever.

Now, let me define judgmental in case the definition is still blurry to you.

  • of or concerning the use of judgement:judgemental decisions about the likelihood of company survival
  • having or displaying an overly critical point of view:I don’t like to sound judgemental, but it was a big mistake                                   Oxford Dictionary 
There. Some of the synonyms are faultfinding, hypercritical, overcritical, and here's my favourite, rejective.

Whenever I saw something's up that oppose my 'belief' or my 'sense' i become rejective.
Whenever I saw something's up that sounds angry and get me caught in negative vibe i become hypercritical.
Whenever I saw something's up that i found unreasonable i become overcritical.
Whenever I saw something's up that makes generalized complaint in hoping of orang yg berkenaan terasa, i faultfinding

The worst or (best) part of it all, I realize all this whatever mili-second of acute reaction towards the posts right before i neutralize back my thoughts is oddly very energy consuming.

It makes me realize too that by judging someone whose judging a situation or someone else's for their actions, doesn't makes me any better or put me any higher either. 

Gauging on how important this particular battle is to me and my view towards others, I decided to learn to become more considerate and tolerable. That you can't expect people to say all the right things especially when they blurt it out under stress. That at times we all need to post an attention-seeking line or two. It is for me not to make any dismissive comment back in my head without knowing the real picture. I know too sometimes people just don't mean what they say or just say it for fun, but maybe we should remember too, that what we do for fun has a direct reflection on who we are.

This is all so very hard to be done, but even our beloved Prophet once said to the people who just got back wounded from winning the greatest war, He said that, that is not the greatest battle, for the greatest battle is inside. 

Called me old fashion or stone-aged, i still believe that there's no better comfort or substitute than having a friend showing up at your door with a big hug, genuinely ask if you're ok. And that there is nothing wrong in actually admitting and asking for help even just to be heard. 

Well, that being said, I prophylacticly apologize if this particular post offended anyone. This really meant for my own reflections and i just hope they're worth sharing.  

Till then!


Tuesday, 10 January 2012

An early affinity.

at 21:29 0 comments

The only thing i love more than a good read, is a good screenplay writing. Shonda Rhimes, is definitely on top of the list. I didn't know how she did what she did, but even over times, the stories still end with a palpable impact.

I started watching Grey's Anatomy even before i went to med school. I watch each season several times, I memorize the line, I quote from it every so often, I know the character so well should there be a quiz on it I'm sure I'll aced it. I learn the fancy medical terms like intubate, epi (short for epinephrine) even before i open my first anatomy book. My classmates were already tired from rolling their eyes whenever I associate our doctors/teachers with the casts from the shows.

The main opening soundtrack had been my ringtone for a while and the so was the other songs.When i got the chance to scrub in and assist an operation for the first time, you can imagine how excited I was.

It also occur to me how surprisingly familiar, as if I've been there already, so many times. I did, in fact, virtually.

At the end of 2 long weeks of endless suctions and cramping from holding clamps, one of the senior scrub nurse who's been there all along, told me that I was one of the best student they had in their OR specifically because of how well I behave and carry myself in the OR. I feel like hugging her sterile scrubs and told her that well, thank you for acknowledging my effort of endless obsession towards (according to some people), nothing more than just a soapy TV drama. Even my job really is the lowest of the surgical food chain, it means a lot to me coming from someone so strict and serious, who's been practically living in the OR for so long.

Having said that, I notice and of course, agree, that in real life hospital, not so much drama going on, no, patient don't code on hourly basis, nor that i saw many died on the operation table. But it does gives me a glimpse of hint of what could have happen and how to react when facing the situation that can drag you down emotionally, or even the amount of stress and knowledge you should handle and have to in order for both you and your patient to survive.

In May 2007, Rhimes was named one of the Time Magazine's as Time 100 people who help shape the world. I don't know about that, but she does surely shaped mine.

Till then!

Saturday, 7 January 2012

On blurring out the outcomes.

at 16:04 0 comments

Now now, new year comes and go. Resolutions already being carefully opt, we start gathering new tools to mend what last years failed to offer. I don't have any list. Nor that I'm cynically-rolling-eyes to people that do.

However i do have a goal I'd like to conquer. Not exactly conquer but rather insisting on being persistent. That is, blurring out the outcomes.

My life revolves around a bunch of very goal-oriented people. These are the people who has clear vision on what they want. They're not stingy in making other's see that too. Medicine and the people that is part of its clan does that to you subconsciously. Perfection and straight A's are the  only thing that's acceptable. Others can find another field to meddle.

To memorize the very fact perfectly and blurt out with loud confidence is all that matters. Thinking, logic, wonder has no room whatsoever.

That creates a very scary doctor if you ask me. Blunt memorization in medical school is precisely why the practical part while working is a giant green-eyed monster. Putting pieces together requires another level of coherent thoughts that are not being trained at this ground level.

It's hard not to strive for a perfect blunt memorization, it's hard to appreciate the effort when the outcome is all that matters.

But it's also worth a try.


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