No pun intended.

I started having twitter few months back, and all due to my boyfriend who said it would be kind of cool to have me there as well (or did he?). Along getting my internet phone activated, i agreed and open up one. So there, beside this little window for updates, i got myself a little bird to do the job getting info from the rest of the world. Well at least in my little world.

You probably get here through my twitter as well, as i put the link there. I'm not sure why myself, maybe i thought 140 character is not enough to do my bubbly extrovert-ness a justice. *wink

Like any other social media, the my love-hate relationship is strictly unavoidable. 

I'd rather say it serves me well, at times. You know especially early in the morning while getting your coffee to go or in bus/tram ride to hospital, a quick update wouldn't hurt. It also makes me look busy and important avoiding any real social good-morning greetings. Or if you bore me with the details. What could be a more bigger turn-off than pretending to listen while simultaneously finding an opportunity pause for a quick glance at the phone.

I did too, follow some advice, quotes, news, and of course friends here, as well as back home. Updates, both others and mine, had somehow affect me differently.

Don't get me wrong, i do get the feeling of telling the world a passing thought and the urge of wanting to be bold, to be heard. In fact, i got it all the time. Why do you think i have a blog dedicated to solely me and my thoughts in the first place? *wink again.

But then again, it makes me judgmental and cynical. 

More than ever.

Now, let me define judgmental in case the definition is still blurry to you.

adjective

• of or concerning the use of judgement:judgemental decisions about the likelihood of company survival
• having or displaying an overly critical point of view:I don’t like to sound judgemental, but it was a big mistake                                   Oxford Dictionary 
  

There. Some of the synonyms are faultfinding, hypercritical, overcritical, and here's my favourite, rejective.

Whenever I saw something's up that oppose my 'belief' or my 'sense' i become rejective.

Whenever I saw something's up that sounds angry and get me caught in negative vibe i become hypercritical.

Whenever I saw something's up that i found unreasonable i become overcritical.

Whenever I saw something's up that makes generalized complaint in hoping of orang yg berkenaan terasa, i faultfinding. 

The worst or (best) part of it all, I realize all this whatever mili-second of acute reaction towards the posts right before i neutralize back my thoughts is oddly very energy consuming.

It makes me realize too that by judging someone whose judging a situation or someone else's for their actions, doesn't makes me any better or put me any higher either. 

Gauging on how important this particular battle is to me and my view towards others, I decided to learn to become more considerate and tolerable. That you can't expect people to say all the right things especially when they blurt it out under stress. That at times we all need to post an attention-seeking line or two. It is for me not to make any dismissive comment back in my head without knowing the real picture. I know too sometimes people just don't mean what they say or just say it for fun, but maybe we should remember too, that what we do for fun has a direct reflection on who we are.

This is all so very hard to be done, but even our beloved Prophet once said to the people who just got back wounded from winning the greatest war, He said that, that is not the greatest battle, for the greatest battle is inside. 

Called me old fashion or stone-aged, i still believe that there's no better comfort or substitute than having a friend showing up at your door with a big hug, genuinely ask if you're ok. And that there is nothing wrong in actually admitting and asking for help even just to be heard. 

Well, that being said, I prophylacticly apologize if this particular post offended anyone. This really meant for my own reflections and i just hope they're worth sharing.  

Till then!

>.<

   

  

An early affinity.

The only thing i love more than a good read, is a good screenplay writing. Shonda Rhimes, is definitely on top of the list. I didn't know how she did what she did, but even over times, the stories still end with a palpable impact.

I started watching Grey's Anatomy even before i went to med school. I watch each season several times, I memorize the line, I quote from it every so often, I know the character so well should there be a quiz on it I'm sure I'll aced it. I learn the fancy medical terms like intubate, epi (short for epinephrine) even before i open my first anatomy book. My classmates were already tired from rolling their eyes whenever I associate our doctors/teachers with the casts from the shows.

The main opening soundtrack had been my ringtone for a while and the so was the other songs.When i got the chance to scrub in and assist an operation for the first time, you can imagine how excited I was.

It also occur to me how surprisingly familiar, as if I've been there already, so many times. I did, in fact, virtually.

At the end of 2 long weeks of endless suctions and cramping from holding clamps, one of the senior scrub nurse who's been there all along, told me that I was one of the best student they had in their OR specifically because of how well I behave and carry myself in the OR. I feel like hugging her sterile scrubs and told her that well, thank you for acknowledging my effort of endless obsession towards (according to some people), nothing more than just a soapy TV drama. Even my job really is the lowest of the surgical food chain, it means a lot to me coming from someone so strict and serious, who's been practically living in the OR for so long.

Having said that, I notice and of course, agree, that in real life hospital, not so much drama going on, no, patient don't code on hourly basis, nor that i saw many died on the operation table. But it does gives me a glimpse of hint of what could have happen and how to react when facing the situation that can drag you down emotionally, or even the amount of stress and knowledge you should handle and have to in order for both you and your patient to survive.

In May 2007, Rhimes was named one of the Time Magazine's as Time 100 people who help shape the world. I don't know about that, but she does surely shaped mine.

Till then!
>.<

On blurring out the outcomes.

Now now, new year comes and go. Resolutions already being carefully opt, we start gathering new tools to mend what last years failed to offer. I don't have any list. Nor that I'm cynically-rolling-eyes to people that do.

However i do have a goal I'd like to conquer. Not exactly conquer but rather insisting on being persistent. That is, blurring out the outcomes.

My life revolves around a bunch of very goal-oriented people. These are the people who has clear vision on what they want. They're not stingy in making other's see that too. Medicine and the people that is part of its clan does that to you subconsciously. Perfection and straight A's are the  only thing that's acceptable. Others can find another field to meddle.

To memorize the very fact perfectly and blurt out with loud confidence is all that matters. Thinking, logic, wonder has no room whatsoever.

That creates a very scary doctor if you ask me. Blunt memorization in medical school is precisely why the practical part while working is a giant green-eyed monster. Putting pieces together requires another level of coherent thoughts that are not being trained at this ground level.

It's hard not to strive for a perfect blunt memorization, it's hard to appreciate the effort when the outcome is all that matters.

But it's also worth a try.