oH buLan~!

Today's a full moon outside my window,
I check the Islamic calender, its 14th of RabiulAkhr 1431 Hijr.

Today also my dad's 58th birthday. Happy birthday dad..

I had a fever for 3 days now..i check the temperature outside, its almost 14 degree Celsius.

It's really weird that i can survive minus 20, but got sick instantly when the weather spikes up to above 10.

It's like i meant to be here, somehow, weather-wise.

Just like the way i feel about the silver moon outside my windowpane, which existence is solemnly dedicated to hold me upright through tonight. As if it sparkles just for me...

Sometimes it's just nice to have someone or something that stood there silently just to make sure that you're not alone.
Sometimes, it's the simple silence that do all the talking.

Oh bulan, you do say it best, when you say nothing at all~!

My hardest word.

Asking for forgiveness might have been a big problem for some people as it is, too, has been my difficulties for as long as i remember. For some, its ego that gets in the way. For the rest, the simple ignorance of not knowing that you did wrong, somehow plays a major role for not saying sorry in the first place.

As for me, the action of confronting people and saying it has not really been a culture, at least not in my family. I know it's a weird thing given that we've been thought to seek God's forgiveness in every possible way, but somehow that's the truth.

No, don't get me wrong. I don't come from a family where plates being thrown over the dinner table to the wall every time someone's explode, nor that i have a family that find every possible excuse not to come back for family gatherings, no, not that.

We've wronged each other, but we just don't say "I'm sorry" out loud. There's always another way of saying sorry- buying stuff the person always wanted to show that you care, might as simple as doing what the other wants in the end as a sign that you finally admit that you're wrong, or if nobody wants to give in, a silence treat would be the way out, until both gets back to their own senses and starts everything all over again like nothing happens.

Maybe that's why, i somehow find that saying sorry to my sisters during Hari Raya ( you know when we lined up and say sorry to each other out loud in front of every one before taking family picture) is a bit awkward. I know somehow they felt the same way too. Why wouldn't it be awkward if you did it just once, in a year?

So that's about it. Of course in family, you forgive each other no matter how hurt you feel. Especially when you're a parents. But this kind of habit i tend to carry in my daily life towards the non-blood-related people around me, or better known as friends.

Sometimes, i say something wrong or did something wrong but i find it hard for me to utter the word sorry. Not because i don't felt sorry, but i felt awkward. I, most of the time just let it pass, and hope it will dissolve away. Yes, it does the trick most of the time, but little did i know how big that simple word could mean to someone, and especially, to me.

I've been apologizing a lot last few days, for my bizzare behavior for the past couple of weeks. When i literally shut my friends off, not talking to them for no specific reason at all, basically, not on my best behavior. And it felt wonderful, the confronting part. It takes a huge courage for me to step the first step but it certainly pays off.

Then only i realize, apologies aren't suppose to be easy. Admitting that you're wrong, vulnerable, or being in a state of a constant fear of rejection, aren't suppose to be easy. But when you did it right, when you meant it, can heal you a great deal. It's like you won the internal battle that wish to escape but you actually can't. To go and confront people saying that you're wrong did actually transcend your soul-baring to another level. It's like waking up from a denial, the hardest way out, at least it does, for me.

Maybe that's what it'll feel when you truly seek for forgiveness . Be it with your God, or people around you. You will make more mistakes of course, but at least not repeating the same. It brings you at ease with yourself, whether or not you're forgiven. Knowing that you've climb over a huge barrier to makes things right again.

And yes, in the end, making things right is always way more important than being right.

Trolley with Ting.

I went out today.
Movie night out - Shutter Island.
The plot was really interesting. But I won't say i love it that much. Nothing so far can beat Avatar.

It was a warm midnight when the movie ended. I did something I'd always wanted to do. I hopped in one of those trolley-car in front of the mall parking lot and have one my friend, Ting, pushed me around. Like a roller-coaster ride, the rush.

It's amazing that the exact same previous night , i was on my bed,drowned in tears, and the night after i was bursting into laugh, felt so free, like never before.

And it felt good, to let it go..

I love my friends, they do make me laugh. We had great times.

I'll get some sleep tonight. Thank you God, for a another great day.

To him, that i love...

Have you ever met someone who loves u more than he loves himself?

Who'd rather hurt themselves, rather than hurting u?

Who would forgive you, for the mistakes u made because he truly know that u too, can lost your way, and that you didn't mean for things to happen?

Who will still hold out for your hand, no matter how hard you hit the ground?

Who, no matter how low you feel he never look down?

Who let you know that you still have some pride?

Who still let you fly with your broken wings?

Who's heart so pure and true even you might forget that once in a while?

Who will let you bleed till you finally heal?

Well, i do. I met him 4 yrs ago, tonight, i truly know that it's all for real. I truly know what does it means to be loved, regardless...

We need to be tested to see the strength. We need to wash the mud to see the true colour. We need to be lost to find our way.

To him,
I promise i'll find my way.
I promise i'll be better,
I promise i'll wiped away the escaped tears..

I love you.
Let me be the one who deserves, to love you again...

Hallucination

This place can actually be weird.

One minute it can be so calm and serene and the next minute you look out the window, it's suddenly starts pouring with snow. And the next minute, the sky is blue again.

It gets me to a point that i have to turn to the person sitting next to me, asking whether or not i'm hallucinating a snow flakes..

Oh, what a weird day.

::Push::

People take picture of mountain climbers on the top of the mountain. They were smiling. They were happy. Eccentric. Triumphant.

Nobody takes picture along the way. Because nobody wants to remember the rest of it.

We push ourselves because we have to. Not because we like it.

The relentless climb, the pain and anguish taking it to the next level, nobody takes picture of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember that we've win the top. The breathtaking moment at the edge of the world.

Because that's the reason that keeps us climbing. And it was worth the pain. That the crazy part, is worth anything.

-Push, Grey's Anatomy-

I plotted. I planned.

It's Wednesday again.

I got the result from my pathology test. And I failed.
I heard some people said, "Oh, it's just a test, not your final". I get that a lot. Prolly because they notice my deepest-most-depression-syndrome the best today.

People just being supportive. That's all. Trying to tell me it's not the end of the world, yet. At least that. People also know that this is the second test that we have since the semester started, and the second one, too, that i failed.

It's been a while since I've been feeling like this. Almost 3 years ago, when i was in 3rd semester in college. That was when I failed a lot. My dark-aged i used to called. I really was drowning. It was excruciatingly suffocating. Like watching people climbing up the stairs when you didn't even have a rope to hold on to. Like standing in the middle of the crowd full of people but feeling nothing but left out. I vowed to myself, I'm never gonna put myself through this ever again. And again, I planned.

So, i survived that phase. It gets me where am I today. Some was accepted to prestigious medical school with glory, some end up where they're supposed to end up. I end up here. I made it through 5 semester so far, without much complication, Life has been easy on me, Alhamdulillah. I was always in the group-that-fail-the-least category (if such thing exists). Always in the handful of people that finish the exam the first. I did all i have to do to pass each passing hurdle that lay on my path. Taking each careful step, along the by way, traumatized by how it feels to be drowned.

Now that I'm on top again, i forgot what does it takes to succeed.
How many little steps I took and most importantly i forgot how minutely little does it takes, to fail.
I forgot the fact that, that little misstep, if repeatedly done can cause fatal damage and might as well leave you out and about in a constant doom.
Little that i forgot this is, too, part of His plan, all along.
Slowing me down to the little baby steps i used to take, because I was too anxious and obnoxious to run.
Just another way of telling me,

There's no such thing as perfection.
There's no such thing as smooth ride.
That in this road, there's no such thing like Trans-jugular Intrahepatic Portal-Systemic shunt.

Možna, to je nejlepši pro mě.

Oh God, If You're listening, Keep calling my name,
keep holding me through this pain,
Show me through this uncertain..

Oh God,
I really really hope You're listening,
I really really hope You're won't stop calling,
Even for as long as I remember I turned my back to You countless of times,
But now I deeply feel how hollowed it is without You,
How serene it feels to be wrapped in the warmth Your Grace.

As for the test i failed,
I'll find my way around it.
I'll figure out what doesn't work until I figure what does.

And to you,
Wish me all the best.

My refresh button.

I received a mail from my mom today. It's been a while since she wrote me one. And i couldn't exactly remember when. It's amazing how last night before i went to bed, i was longing for her hug. It's my safe place. Shifting me back to the very night before i left home 3 years ago. She hugged me tight and tell me everything is gonna be alright. Leaving me with the exact same spot of teardrop on my pillow.

I remember back then when i was in college, i used to get her hugs every once in a while. When i felt so helpless and have nowhere to go or don't know whatelse to do, i usually go back to her arm. A hug, and i do feel like a whole new person again. Like a refresh button being pressed when nothing else is responding.

Even 2 years now, that's the first thing I'm looking for in the airport whenever i arrived. Home is never a home without her hug. That too, the last thing that greet me off the departure hall.

In the mail, she updated me with stuff going on back home. One of my aunt is having an operation under the axilla. It's prolly benign. My sister is churning her stomach off as the SPM result is just around the corner. My niece and nephew, Isya n Adam already done packing and can't wait to balik kampung which is not until 2 weeks.

I miss home, I really do.
And at times like this, a simple hug from her would do.

Breaking the Habit.

Today in history:

I finally know the notes on the keyboard..
It feels like revealing world's greatest occult treasure.
Oh well, pretty much like it..
Way to go, girl!

Fragile

Gravity. It's a song. Given to me from a very very dear friend of mine. I didn't like it that much back then. But it's the song I've been humming everywhere now.

There's something about that song that really says what I've been feeling at the moment. No, not the whole songs, but that part about how true, that I am, so fragile.

Oh, how i thought i was stronger.

The truth is, we all think we can get through things, given that we have a line well defined. We all thing that we can draw certain lines and stick to the other side of the line. Little that we know, as time passed, the space we draw begin expanding , shifting more on this side to the other. Like a drop of water from the kitchen faucet into a big pool of stagnant liquid. Splashed. Still, didn't cross the line, we thought. Just another benefit of zero error. Another room for mistakes. Another 'it's still ok' moment. We moved on. We forget and forgive ourselves, unconsciously expending it even more. That line around the circle we draw, little by little, vanished. Just like that drop of water. So clear and defined at first, but ceased away in no time.

Guess what i'm really trying to point out is, how brittle, our little heart can be. How we all need a little something more to hold on to. No matter what we said or do, or how far we already pushed the line, we need to know that somewhere, somehow, there is always a voice that's never gonna be tired of calling us back to that center point of the circle, when the first drop touched.

How I'm thankful, that voice, even very distance, still calling.

Something always brings me back to You.
It never takes too long..

Gravity

Something always brings me back to You.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel You here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in Your love and not feel Your rain.


Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into Your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But You're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But You touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.



I live here on my knees as I try to make You see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But You're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down