My hardest word.

Asking for forgiveness might have been a big problem for some people as it is, too, has been my difficulties for as long as i remember. For some, its ego that gets in the way. For the rest, the simple ignorance of not knowing that you did wrong, somehow plays a major role for not saying sorry in the first place.

As for me, the action of confronting people and saying it has not really been a culture, at least not in my family. I know it's a weird thing given that we've been thought to seek God's forgiveness in every possible way, but somehow that's the truth.

No, don't get me wrong. I don't come from a family where plates being thrown over the dinner table to the wall every time someone's explode, nor that i have a family that find every possible excuse not to come back for family gatherings, no, not that.

We've wronged each other, but we just don't say "I'm sorry" out loud. There's always another way of saying sorry- buying stuff the person always wanted to show that you care, might as simple as doing what the other wants in the end as a sign that you finally admit that you're wrong, or if nobody wants to give in, a silence treat would be the way out, until both gets back to their own senses and starts everything all over again like nothing happens.

Maybe that's why, i somehow find that saying sorry to my sisters during Hari Raya ( you know when we lined up and say sorry to each other out loud in front of every one before taking family picture) is a bit awkward. I know somehow they felt the same way too. Why wouldn't it be awkward if you did it just once, in a year?

So that's about it. Of course in family, you forgive each other no matter how hurt you feel. Especially when you're a parents. But this kind of habit i tend to carry in my daily life towards the non-blood-related people around me, or better known as friends.

Sometimes, i say something wrong or did something wrong but i find it hard for me to utter the word sorry. Not because i don't felt sorry, but i felt awkward. I, most of the time just let it pass, and hope it will dissolve away. Yes, it does the trick most of the time, but little did i know how big that simple word could mean to someone, and especially, to me.

I've been apologizing a lot last few days, for my bizzare behavior for the past couple of weeks. When i literally shut my friends off, not talking to them for no specific reason at all, basically, not on my best behavior. And it felt wonderful, the confronting part. It takes a huge courage for me to step the first step but it certainly pays off.

Then only i realize, apologies aren't suppose to be easy. Admitting that you're wrong, vulnerable, or being in a state of a constant fear of rejection, aren't suppose to be easy. But when you did it right, when you meant it, can heal you a great deal. It's like you won the internal battle that wish to escape but you actually can't. To go and confront people saying that you're wrong did actually transcend your soul-baring to another level. It's like waking up from a denial, the hardest way out, at least it does, for me.

Maybe that's what it'll feel when you truly seek for forgiveness . Be it with your God, or people around you. You will make more mistakes of course, but at least not repeating the same. It brings you at ease with yourself, whether or not you're forgiven. Knowing that you've climb over a huge barrier to makes things right again.

And yes, in the end, making things right is always way more important than being right.