I plotted. I planned.

It's Wednesday again.

I got the result from my pathology test. And I failed.
I heard some people said, "Oh, it's just a test, not your final". I get that a lot. Prolly because they notice my deepest-most-depression-syndrome the best today.

People just being supportive. That's all. Trying to tell me it's not the end of the world, yet. At least that. People also know that this is the second test that we have since the semester started, and the second one, too, that i failed.

It's been a while since I've been feeling like this. Almost 3 years ago, when i was in 3rd semester in college. That was when I failed a lot. My dark-aged i used to called. I really was drowning. It was excruciatingly suffocating. Like watching people climbing up the stairs when you didn't even have a rope to hold on to. Like standing in the middle of the crowd full of people but feeling nothing but left out. I vowed to myself, I'm never gonna put myself through this ever again. And again, I planned.

So, i survived that phase. It gets me where am I today. Some was accepted to prestigious medical school with glory, some end up where they're supposed to end up. I end up here. I made it through 5 semester so far, without much complication, Life has been easy on me, Alhamdulillah. I was always in the group-that-fail-the-least category (if such thing exists). Always in the handful of people that finish the exam the first. I did all i have to do to pass each passing hurdle that lay on my path. Taking each careful step, along the by way, traumatized by how it feels to be drowned.

Now that I'm on top again, i forgot what does it takes to succeed.
How many little steps I took and most importantly i forgot how minutely little does it takes, to fail.
I forgot the fact that, that little misstep, if repeatedly done can cause fatal damage and might as well leave you out and about in a constant doom.
Little that i forgot this is, too, part of His plan, all along.
Slowing me down to the little baby steps i used to take, because I was too anxious and obnoxious to run.
Just another way of telling me,

There's no such thing as perfection.
There's no such thing as smooth ride.
That in this road, there's no such thing like Trans-jugular Intrahepatic Portal-Systemic shunt.

Možna, to je nejlepši pro mě.

Oh God, If You're listening, Keep calling my name,
keep holding me through this pain,
Show me through this uncertain..

Oh God,
I really really hope You're listening,
I really really hope You're won't stop calling,
Even for as long as I remember I turned my back to You countless of times,
But now I deeply feel how hollowed it is without You,
How serene it feels to be wrapped in the warmth Your Grace.

As for the test i failed,
I'll find my way around it.
I'll figure out what doesn't work until I figure what does.

And to you,
Wish me all the best.