Remind me.

Remind me later to live nearby the sea, so at times like this, i can just grab my car key, have a short drive and march straight to the shore.

A Solemn Pledge.

At times of lost. Close your eyes, replay.

Urgh.

On the verge of everything, there's always a downside. Even proportionately bigger. I'm beginning to self-doubt myself. Second guessing. In which i thought i know it all. People can be amusing. Especially when you have to see them everyday. The way they act, dress, laugh, think, jokes. It gets to a point when i wonder whether the problem is even there in the first place. While i'll be in a place surrounded by that behavior, soon, i might as well start getting use to it. All the ill feeling, it wears you down. Sink you without you even start to put up a fight. Please, pretentious I'm the best this is my game goody-good alert. Blergh.

You said suck it up and ignore? But first do tell me, how.

Recent Image

"Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are. And where you wanna be. And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself"

xoxo

gossip girl.

Oh, guide me.

Today's my last day on pediatrics.

I have to say, I owe Paeds a great deal. For some reason, I feel more attached or even aware of much more things in practical way while I was practicing it.

Today too, one of our teacher told us, that he once encounter a pneumothorax but completely unaware of it and send the patient to x-ray on feet. No pathological sound heard. The main symptom was chest pain in which is atypical sign for pneumothorax.

Then he said, the radiologist phoned him and scolded him for not catching that early. Lucky that he got the boy just in time. My doctor explained to the radiologist the whole picture but of course in times like that, they needed someone to be held responsible.

No one could have seen it coming. In medicine, things can change in split second. Walk in with chest pain, there might be an aortic dissection tearing up. Simple headache, might be a heads up for hemorrhagic stroke for that matter. This boy was walking side by side with his mother not knowing that his lung was collapsing.

The crazy part is, there will be someone to be charge responsible.

Young,nervous fresh-out-of-medical-school-graduates are one of the odds.

He told us too, that after that, he would always think of pneumothorax as the one of the potent possible differential even when presenting with atypical symptoms. And that he wouldn't make such mistakes anymore.

That is one episode where we can pull the "oh, no one could have seen it coming" line, but the guilt we carry is already bombardingly indescribable, imagine have to be held account for a mere neglect or juvenile inexperience.

Learning from mistakes are just the way we progress, both as a student and human being. But at this point I might want to realize that the many mistakes i am about to make involve another human being's life at stakes.

How to bypass these whole thing?I'm afraid such thing doesn't exist.

"We are left with a choice. Either let the guilt throw you back into the behavior that got you into trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt and do your best to move on."

G.A

Till then.

+_+

Step inside.

Can you keep me company,

if that's not too much?

Perhaps the most ancient confession.

Girls care about their weight more than you think they did. I grew up with 5 sisters, surrounded with friends in courtship stage, I know. To be honest, I didn't exactly care about what i shoved down my belly. But now, it seems like that's all I can talk about. Don't tell me, you never come up to your first female friend, all ashamed while guiltily confessing to her about the big portion of luscious creamy cheesecake you had after fried-fatty dinner last night, as if she could undo the whole situation.

Sometimes i wonder when do i become this conscious of becoming overweight. Whether or not had i gone too far.

I believe life is all about living in stages. I used to be obsessed about what style of hijab that will flatter my chubby face, now i can finally(and gladly!) say i'm over it.

I hope too, this obsession doesn't lasts.

That I will find a point or a certain balance to both enjoy the God- given meal on my plate and not constantly preoccupied with the thought of putting fat on my body every time i took a bite.

Refused to further deprive myself of being too conscious, here's some pictures of me trying to find my own way around it. Should you wish to try, I'd be happy to feed you, given that you live nearby that is!

Till then!

>.<

Realism Abounded.

Currently, I'm suffering from a lower back pain. At the level of L4, L5, S1, 2 parallel to iliac crest. Worsened on exertion. Sounds fancy. But trust me it hurts. Shallow down to my poor medical knowledge, i begin putting up certain diagnosis together see if it fits. But of course nothing fits. My mind wonder off to MRI examination, up to multiple myeloma with rare sudden onset of lower back pain.

You see, as a medical student we can awe you guys with a very fine-sounding fancy medical terms. Because that's preety much what we are doing. We play pretend. Nicely wrapped in a warm cocoon of a protective layer of subcutaneous fat. With exception in exams, no one will scold us when we make a bad judgment, so-far-off differential diagnosis or wrong lists of treatment plan. We got scold at at times. But no consequences to be shoulder upon.

I went back home, for 3 long weeks of practical training in paediatric ward back in my home town hospital. I did the practical alone, and by some strike of fate, no other students were having classes there as well. Apart from the other HO's there i was, alone. I gathered up all courage that i had, went and introduced myself to the specialist there, asking for permission to follow them for the whole 3 weeks while I was there. The first day wasn't so bad, I must say. I was greeted by a super-nice senior nurse we all call Sister who later during her free time will call me to show her expensive cats collection on her Fb page. Optimist with the warmth countenance, I was optimist with the days ahead.

How i was wrong.

Did i mention, I was trying to postpone my practical in Malaysian hospital for as long as i can, or better off, not ending up doing it at all? I was running away for as long as I can, from the system because of all the scary stories i heard from friends studying medicine in Malaysia. You see, we can choose ,really, whether to do it here or back home. People in Malaysia called us the 'elective students' so we are free to do anything we want, come or went back to hospital as we pleased as no one is monitoring or having direct supervisions on us.

Since that was the first time walking in Malaysian ward as a student and what more not yet learning Paeds, you can imagine how stressful it was for me. I was scared too, whether things that have been taught here were sufficient enough or are we going to be labelled in the same categories as other incompetent-overseas students that seems to be the way of Malaysian doctor's classification on the fresh graduates, if you know what i mean.

A lot of things humbled me during the day to day practical. It seems to prove the common theory for all jobs, that practical is different from nicely-written textbooks theory. How to put them in order of adequate history taking, proper physical examinations, to come up with differential diagnosis, various applicable clinical technique, quick judgement in emergency cases, are some of many that we are expected to master by the time we hold that magical scroll while smiling to the camera on the graduation stage.

All the HO's, senior or fresh on first posting without getting tired, advice me to polish up on how to read X rays, reading ECGs, interpreting complete blood counts, distinguish different types of murmur, chest sounds, basically all the things we often omit in medical school and not to forget start to get familiar with Malaysian enormous short forms. That will, at least help you to lessened the pressure of seeing more patient in less time, they say.

It was then too, I saw a lot of rape cases, child-abused, school teenagers pre-maritial conceptions (in between really close family relatives) that end up with endless list of congenital defects of the new born baby, poverty, poor sanitation, even poorer knowledge and interest towards health in general, and any other rural problems you can imagine. That being said, I'm sure urban hospital has its own perks to deal with.

I saw too, how poor communications among doctors, too much social/hierarchical barriers can lead to jeopardizing patients' safety. That i think, we all need to work on. We too can have a day to day learning process without compromising a senior-junior doctor's respect. At some point we all need to look back and realize that everybody begins at the exact same starting point. Being all-senior and putting up a stern-faced of mentor-ship doesn't get us anywhere, for sure not gaining any respects from people working under and around you. Well, at least not that i can think of.

In the end i guess, it's our coping mechanism that hold us through. A senseless form of endurance. To hold back tears and stays emotionally detached when we're yelled at in front of patients and their whole family members. To be pre-vaccinated with some sort of emotional anesthesia. Both in facing patients and impossible working environment.

You do know that this post purely intended as my tool of nurturing personal reflections, exploring new experience, dealing with them on higher ground and starts seeing things beyond my own narrow perspective, right?

Till then!

>.<

In as much as.

He didn't realize that his smile is contagious

He didn't understand that his presence are rare and precious.

He always makes me feel good even when I feel chubby and fat.

Simplicity. Calm. Serenity

Little he knows when I'm with him my heart is feeling just that.

For all the great things he has , are all the things i wish to be.

Detailed descriptions.

Last night a friend of mine tell me that I'll make a good salesgirl or PR in a big company if I'm not studying medicine. This of course in response to the classic question of what would I suited to be if I'm not doing what I'm doing now?. We like to throw out that question from time to time during our mindless chat session.

I did some googling myself then I found this. Strangely it does sketch a description what I'd love to be.

Virgos born on August 23 have a mercurial, kinetic charm that brings them great affection. Their graceful bearing combines with a light touch of sophistication. They are guileless, nice individuals. They are successful hosts because they're constantly looking after the happiness of others. ( i do love feeding people!)

Friends and Lovers

Everyone wants to be friends with August 23 people (they do?!) These friendly, energetic souls are so likable it's difficult to resist them. Thoughtful and kind, they have a hands-on approach to friendship. Romance generally leads to marriage for August 23 people. (score!!)

Children and family

Not every August 23 individual is the product of an ideal household, yet to hear them talk it may seem so. Parenthood is one of their great joys.(that we will see, hehe) If they don't have children, they are likely to involve themselves with youngsters through humanitarian or charity organizations. (i do adore doctors without borders)

Health

August 23 individuals have definite ideas about health. Either they ascribe to a strictly holistic regimen, or they conform to a more conventional outlook -- but they're sticklers for following a prescribed method. They're very big on exercise. (gulp!)

Career and Finances

People born on this date are team players. Within this context they can accomplish amazing things, and usually do. Financial success is not a routine part of the game plan; they're good at getting along on a regular wage. But if they do happen onto a fortune, these people are sure to share it. (no wonder my acc always manage to clear out by the end of the month!)

Dreams and Goals

August 23 people achieve their goals in an orderly, practical manner. They learn from every experience and use those lessons to their own best advantage. Because of their enthusiastic nature, they never lose faith in their ability to make things happen. If their goals are sidetracked, they look on it as an opportunity to regroup. (ameen)

Against all odds, I still believe I'll make a good doctor.

School is starting.

Wish me all the best!

Jet lag-ed

Hit the jackpot.

Broken Oath.

Good and Evil both struggle in us,

just as they did in every soul on the face of earth.

It is a matter of control. And choice.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Have a blessed Ramadhan.

So I said it.

Hey there,

(private hello sayang to my dearie coz I'm 110% sure he'll read this. Huge hugs!)

The other day when I was sitting by my living room's sliding door while carried away watching the generous pouring rain that Malaysian cloud has to offer, my thoughts drifted back to when I was sitting on the same exact posture watching the rain pouring down my white window pane back in my square 1 room in Czech.

I notice, not much different there is.

And maybe too, because I spent the whole day working in Paeds ward, I can't help but picturing a single perfect moment of me sitting by the window overlooking the blue blue sea counting days on a comfy cushioned wooden rocking chair reading my favourite book to my baby bump while waiting for my love to come home from work. (He'll awake me with a gentle kiss on the forehead, of course, should the rhythm of an unattainable past of Claude Debussy playing softly in the background lulled me to sleep.)

There, I said it.

Well, one can dream, right?

You'll disappear, one day.

Summer semester had ended.

Heck, 4 years of grinding my feet on medical school's ground had just ended.

Yes, 4 years. How do i even get here, is always beyond me.

I know I still have 2 more years to go but every time i turned around and look back, on how much I've grown and how much I've learnt, the feeling never ceased to blew my heart away.

I can't wait to graduate and run half way around the globe back to people I care the most, but at the same time why do I feel burdened with even a slightest thought that all these familiarity, where i loose and found myself, the solitary and serenity will eventually come to a point, the end point.

This part right here, this very line on the page in the chapter that has been carefully en-scripted for me, like every other part I've ever known will eventually disappear one day.

I don't know why my heart suddenly feel heavy.

That's life, you said?

Hell ya it is. And sometimes, it sucks.

And oh, the pics? Random hidden places of Czech I'll sure miss.

why is the sky blue, u ask?

familiar faces.

looking back soon, and (hopefully) smiling.

helmi the hot stuff.

love milk.love fruit.love chocolate.

21 Random do's.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their

conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4 . When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it

.

5. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7.. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9 . Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson !

17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship..

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20 Smile when picking up the phone.. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.

A great many things.

I remember back when i was in college, my English teacher made us promise to go and reach out, to mingle with other students, be it local students or other internationals. That's the reason we put you out there, she emphasized.

I have to say, after 4 years here ( tomorrow being my last week of school), it wasn't necessarily the easiest or rather a natural thing to do, given the various limitations we always put, as the largest group around. We tend to clump and agglutinate with each other not because we don't like mingling but more to comfort of being around people who understand, which spare us the time and energy to explain our culture to the rest of the population.

I live in the student hostels and my house mates, like me, were placed randomly by the hostel manager and from there, we're connected. Sharing bathrooms, kitchen was not easy at first, especially when you are craving for nasi lemak and knowing the fact that cooking sambal and frying the anchovies might not smell as mouth-watering to other people as it does to you.

But then again, we might be surprised, how something as innocent as air asam or pineapple tart can taste so appealing to other Portuguese whilst Nasi ayam to my crazy Slovakian house mates.

I guess, there's no harm in trying to reach out. As for me, I have it right here, next door. Would be foolish not to try isn't it?

post-exam treat- Pirates of d Caribbean

with Eva (motherly) chocking the Piglet.

Luscious Lemonade?

Annie n Andre- the-not-so-msian-food

Roasted Chicken with spicy2 thing, that counts, right? xD

eating rice with hand attempt

alina.eva.tomas

ok, don't tell me what you think.

martha steward wannabe (failed?).

Till then.

XD

Clear title.

Its funny everytime how we all love ourselves more than other people,

but care more about their opinion than our own.

Cut yourself; your mind-free of what people do or say

and what you've said or done

rejoice, in its perfect stillness.

spend time in tranquility, kindness and peace.

Lets practice even what seems impossible--.

Behind the scene.

Like any other love stories, mine too has sad airport scenes background. One scene is enough to weigh you down to bottomless pit, imagine repeating it 6 times.

Airport is listed as one of the most stressful place to be in. I have to agree half way. KLIA has witnessed both polarity end of my being.

One end is bearing a heavily-exceeding the normal-weight-heart in an almost-burst chest cavity with a teary-eyed as i glide down the escalator, knowing exactly that what's waiting ahead is a mixed of 9 very long lonely months before i could return home and a pepper pinch of will to rush one more lap around the sun.

The other end is busy impelling thousands volt of joules to rush straight out to the arrival hall; unable to tolerate another second of conveyor-belt delay.

Practice makes perfect they say. Well, in this case, it's nothing but a meaningless cliché. This is one situation in which no matter how many times I practice, I still can't learn to do it very well. The teary-eyed still teary. The heart weigh even more heavy.

We make a pact; me and him, that one far-away-day from here, when we both get to the point where our affections start to give way to familiarity and comfortability, or even when we stuck in a quarrel that might push us to the very limit, we promise to go back and sit on those plastic chairs in front of the departure hall, letting the scenes roll back in deep silent.

Summer is here.

Cinta, I'm coming home.

He's baaaaack!!

Oogway: My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours until you let go of the illusion of control.

Shifu: Illusion?

Oogway: Yes.

[points at peach tree]

Oogway: Look at this tree, Shifu: I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time.

Shifu: But there are things we *can* control: I can control when the fruit will fall, I can control where to plant the seed: that is no illusion, Master!

Oogway: Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.

Shifu: But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung!

Oogway: Maybe it can, if you are willing to guide, to nurture it, to believe in it.

Shifu: But how? How? I need your help, master.

Oogway: No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu, promise me you will believe.

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."

Can't help but love it.

A peek is a glimpse.

I started off writing this, only known to some people that I'm really close to. My boyfriend included for i can't bear the thoughts of keeping any secrets from him. Back then, when I was resisting the idea of Facebook purely out of Invasion of Privacy concern.

I really don't know why I keen on writing even at times (or rather many many times) I've butchered English language like nobody's business. Yes, it wasn't perfect nor witty. A cocktail of inconsistent tenses, incoherent choices of verbs. Thank God the red line appear under the wrong-spelled word and just a a little right click saves the day. Ah, you've been here long enough to know what I mean.

I really don't know who's been reading my jots so far, I don't know if any of the things that I wrote makes any sense to you, being the third party. There are periods of times when I feel like I need to be heard even I don't vaguely know to whom I'm addressing. Not many, but thanks for dropping by once in a while to check up on me, see if I'm ok. My deepest most warmest virtual hugs to you.

This little window is where I found comfort in being bare on my feelings while mincing the indisplicable array of passing thoughts.

I hope they're worth telling.

Better still, please don't go, stay, will ya?

>.<"

Coffee and company.

Needless to say, Annie and her dad all the way from Taiwan charmed the evening. No feelings can ever overshadow the bond between a father and a daughter. It's a bit tricky, I would say. Hidden yet obvious in a plain sight. (yes, said the 24 years old who still cry no matter how many times she watched Finding Nemo =)

Just as i was longing for a sprinkle of good group laugh, God with His endless Mercy blessed me with one. I too, discovered a fresh and modern cafe that might just be my new hot-spot for the summer to come. Sipping a cup of coffee alone with a good book on the rooftop overlooking the town does sounds like a dainty and cozy idea to look forward to, right?

*giggle

Never cut a tree down in the wintertime.

Never make a negative decision in the low time.

Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods.

Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.

Robert H. Schuller

Too much to ask?

Solitude.

It can be both a bless and a curse.

At times when I'm at my wits end, loneliness tends to bite me when I least expected.

Things that i used to look forward to is nothing but a plain bore.

The stuffs around my room that i used to adore, stand profoundly on the shelves, mocking me.

Interesting things on you tube drive me sick.

At times like that, there's nothing more that i longed for than a simple innocent company.

Or even a slap- from a hand that loves me.

I longed for a deeper, self-soothing conversation over a cup of coffee from a recently-boiled kettle.

I longed for multiple series of a group laugh that doesn't involve other people's affair.

I longed for an acute comfort like a shot of strong opioid to an agonizing pain.

You see, I'm a very greedy and ungrateful person.

I get to the place I've been dreaming of every so often but all I want, is more.

I have to admit, it takes time for me to break that glossy superficiality to get me to be part of that deeper conversation.

Very few had a patient linger around, to wait.

Solitude. It can be both a bless and a curse.

Perhaps, this solitude unintentionally makes me value the right ones when they come along. However rarely.

Perhaps, it's another way to learn gratitude-to recognize what I have and take it as it is.

Perhaps, God's have a bunch of love waiting for me back home,He just decided I need it less now.

Perhaps, it's the right time to be alone and look for happiness within, instead of being surrounded but being forever and helplessly at lost.

Yes,

Solitude.

It can be both a bless and a curse.

Tension of the opposite.

I was still in my praying clothes while I'm writing this. I tossed and turned around for an hour or so, gawking at my screen (yes, using gawking again-coz that's exactly what I'm doing 97.5% of my time.) Feeling this boxed-room crushing my ribs to a perfect contact with each other. Enclosed by these four-sided impossible wall.

I'm missing my family, my mum especially. It feels like forever since i last have a real conversation with her. Back when i was being less of a stubborn, more of a hippie and carefree. Maybe it's the post effect after my weekly yoga class- when i saw my instructor (who also happen to be a surgeon) exchanging kiss with her mom warmly before they bid each other goodbye. How i wish i had one of those me-and-mommy-time on a weekly basis. Or even daily, I wouldn't mind.

If you have your mom within walking distance would you be a dear go and give her a hug for me, please?

I spent Easter weekend literally doing nothing. I didn't even care to open a single medical-related book at all. Not much of a surprise, coming from me, but somehow i did feel the time passing. In slow motion that is. Backtracked almost.

Everything that came crawling,crying,pleading, begging in urgent before the exams somehow managed to find their way rushing out the window.

Merely seized to non-existence.

What was it that keep obstructing my attention and constantly pulling me back to the same point of internal battle over and over again to begin with?

Why can't this state of consciousness come knocking a little earlier to give me comfort hence put me somewhere a little more sane?

When will I truly realize and discover that my ignorance can actually (or rather literally) costs life, thus starts working harder- whether or not it's an exam period.

Like I said. Mundane thought and insanity. Who would do that?!

But then again who made up those rules? Who said the over-indulgencing yourself with self-study regardless the exam date is such a repellent idea?

Well, there's a voice in my head telling me exactly that. Part of it has to do with the childish idea that I'm scared if i work hard enough, I would suffer more if the results doesn't meet my expectations. If I don't then i can always blame that 'effort-less' part of me that could have tried to strive more.

My dearest me,

You too, are entitled to extraordinary numinous destiny of your own sense of being, but first, you must agree to rub your eyes and wake up.

Let's carry less luggage and go much further. Will ya?

Yada yada

Yes, i love taking pictures. NO, i'm not even close to photogenic. It really is hard to capture moment. My group mate, Andre at one point annoyed by my habit of constant need for taking picture. He said, you guys just love to take picture and upload it in facebook so that you can rub it in other people's face on what a wonderful life you led.

Do we? Is that all?

It does makes me ponder for a minute there.

We go out. taking pictures, all dolled up, can we deny we don't even feel a slightest intention of showing the world that we're living a wonderful life surrounded by many friends?

When i went to Paris with my boyfriend, I too felt the pressure of taking beautiful picture of the same place with the same pose over and over to get it 'right'.

Does it drives my beloved boyfriend crazy? YES!

He said, sayang, enough picture, can we now enjoy the moment?

Maybe we are living in the period of taking good photo first, enjoy it later when people give positive comment on facebook.

When i was in Portugal with my best friend Filipa, her dad took us on tour and personally volunteer to be our photographer and he made a rule that no one gets to look at the picture taken and I can only see them for the first time when i get back home. He took a courtesy of burning them into CD and write a sweet note onto them.

It's amazing how fast things have changed. I remember getting all excited going to pick up pictures from the photo shop and giggling over while browsing them in the back of the car on the way home. Actually holding them.

Free from pressure of taking picture at the same place with the same pose at the same time over and over to get it 'right'.

We can't change the way things are. But we can have both memorable (in true sense) and worth gawking at pictures if we can pause, grasps the feeling- because happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

me (2nd attempt pic)