Tension of the opposite.

I was still in my praying clothes while I'm writing this. I tossed and turned around for an hour or so, gawking at my screen (yes, using gawking again-coz that's exactly what I'm doing 97.5% of my time.) Feeling this boxed-room crushing my ribs to a perfect contact with each other. Enclosed by these four-sided impossible wall.

I'm missing my family, my mum especially. It feels like forever since i last have a real conversation with her. Back when i was being less of a stubborn, more of a hippie and carefree. Maybe it's the post effect after my weekly yoga class- when i saw my instructor (who also happen to be a surgeon) exchanging kiss with her mom warmly before they bid each other goodbye. How i wish i had one of those me-and-mommy-time on a weekly basis. Or even daily, I wouldn't mind.

If you have your mom within walking distance would you be a dear go and give her a hug for me, please?

I spent Easter weekend literally doing nothing. I didn't even care to open a single medical-related book at all. Not much of a surprise, coming from me, but somehow i did feel the time passing. In slow motion that is. Backtracked almost.

Everything that came crawling,crying,pleading, begging in urgent before the exams somehow managed to find their way rushing out the window.

Merely seized to non-existence.

What was it that keep obstructing my attention and constantly pulling me back to the same point of internal battle over and over again to begin with?

Why can't this state of consciousness come knocking a little earlier to give me comfort hence put me somewhere a little more sane?

When will I truly realize and discover that my ignorance can actually (or rather literally) costs life, thus starts working harder- whether or not it's an exam period.

Like I said. Mundane thought and insanity. Who would do that?!

But then again who made up those rules? Who said the over-indulgencing yourself with self-study regardless the exam date is such a repellent idea?

Well, there's a voice in my head telling me exactly that. Part of it has to do with the childish idea that I'm scared if i work hard enough, I would suffer more if the results doesn't meet my expectations. If I don't then i can always blame that 'effort-less' part of me that could have tried to strive more.

My dearest me,

You too, are entitled to extraordinary numinous destiny of your own sense of being, but first, you must agree to rub your eyes and wake up.

Let's carry less luggage and go much further. Will ya?

Yada yada

Yes, i love taking pictures. NO, i'm not even close to photogenic. It really is hard to capture moment. My group mate, Andre at one point annoyed by my habit of constant need for taking picture. He said, you guys just love to take picture and upload it in facebook so that you can rub it in other people's face on what a wonderful life you led.

Do we? Is that all?

It does makes me ponder for a minute there.

We go out. taking pictures, all dolled up, can we deny we don't even feel a slightest intention of showing the world that we're living a wonderful life surrounded by many friends?

When i went to Paris with my boyfriend, I too felt the pressure of taking beautiful picture of the same place with the same pose over and over to get it 'right'.

Does it drives my beloved boyfriend crazy? YES!

He said, sayang, enough picture, can we now enjoy the moment?

Maybe we are living in the period of taking good photo first, enjoy it later when people give positive comment on facebook.

When i was in Portugal with my best friend Filipa, her dad took us on tour and personally volunteer to be our photographer and he made a rule that no one gets to look at the picture taken and I can only see them for the first time when i get back home. He took a courtesy of burning them into CD and write a sweet note onto them.

It's amazing how fast things have changed. I remember getting all excited going to pick up pictures from the photo shop and giggling over while browsing them in the back of the car on the way home. Actually holding them.

Free from pressure of taking picture at the same place with the same pose at the same time over and over to get it 'right'.

We can't change the way things are. But we can have both memorable (in true sense) and worth gawking at pictures if we can pause, grasps the feeling- because happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

me (2nd attempt pic)

Season in the sun, anyone?

As weird as it might sound before, my life now does revolves around these 4 seasons. Dulu nyanyi lagu westlife without knowing the meaning. I can tell you, it's preeeety amazing. But this phase of my life too will end. Yup, I'm gonna miss all four of them!

autumn. can you spot the loneliness?

my first date with snow. hence the grin and pinknye mak ngah-winter-bubble, geddit?

now that the spring is in the air.they're both adorable as they look.

My favourite summer-ever.

Yes, it's real.

My dearest mother..

How are you? i hope you're enjoying every last couple of months behind your desk, checking your mail first thing in the morning. I've been doing surgery rotation now, but all i can think about when smelling the burned flesh, is your ultimate daging panggang cicah air asam. I know, I know. Barbaric.

It's been a while since i wrote u one..the last mail, i have to admit was a bit tense. I'm glad we can get that over with. I'm writing you one now, and no, you shouldn't be worried. Just a couple of things i didn't have a gut to ask you out over the phone.

Last couple of weeks, Ed raised a subject that deeply deeply get my concern. He was talking about engagement. His mother agreed with it and apparently was waiting for my say. I took sometimes off to think about it. And no, i haven't gotten anywhere just yet. I tried to pray and

ask for guidance but nothing really concrete showed up.

I know people always says that once you're engaged, all different sort of challenge will emerge out of nowhere, since the holy ties is about to be made and of course not to mention the devils' whispers of unwanted things. Especially when the bond is tied too long. Ed is graduating next year and maybe that's why he's being serious about it now.

I know that this things shouldn't be rushed,as it will take it course, and also since i know my other priority at this moment but i'd love to hear what what your stand on this matter. No one can know this better than a mother.

As for me, engaged or not, I'll wait. Even it's long and far, i think it's worth it. You know how stubborn i can be about getting what i want..well, i did travel half way across the globe to be a doctor, even it takes me away from everything that I've ever being familiar to, right?. hehe...Also, maybe his mom doesn't want you and ayah to think that Ed's fooling around with me without any future plans. Plus, it would be nice to have another ring for a change of my 4 yrs old white gold that i've been wearing ever since.

Again mommy, no pressure or anything. They just really want to make a proper 'adat' since this is the first time they're going out to propose instead of the other way round. If engagement is too big step to be taken now, they said, it's fine to send a 'merisik' ring this winter first and do the engagement later. But either way, i need to know what do you think.

For all it's worth, I'd love to have breakfast with my husband every morning up until my retirement day,like you do, too. And i hope this little steps will get me there.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Love u much..

take care~!

P/s i'd love to attach my pic from clinics and me in scrub. I think i'm cute.

How rarely, but well said.

I posted this on my fb wall, I can't help but wanting to post this here, too.

Now, you can be sure that I'm not a proper student of comparative religion or sociology of religion to that matter, but when i came across a well-said speaker like this (very rarely,in my case), that convey certain uncertainty that had been lingering my mind every so often into a well chosen words and paragraphs, I got a little too excited and insisting on sharing this with you in every way that i might.

I'm especially drawn to her a bit simplistic theory of the path of being religious.

There are 2 major path, she said.

One is, to expend the sense of self in oar, in wonder, gratitude, humility.

The other is to close oneself in behind one wall of absolute certainty and righteousness, a kind of demonstrative over-winning pride of being so very right.

The former expend the sense of the world and of other people.

The later circumscribes it, using dogma to wall off the believers, whatever their faith, against the rest of the world.

The problem is, since such mind can't accept that others might think differently, it has no respect for the mind and soul of others, let alone their life.

So there, I hope you too find 49 minutes spent watching this video is not a wasted time.

Till then!

Call me crazy.

I rank the difficulties of my exams by one thing, and one thing only.

The severity highly depends on, whether or not, when I sleep at night -after the exam, with or without my credit book on the table beside my bed.

Rational?

I have to wake up and straight away check the credit book to confirm whether or not I actually did and passed the exam-indicated by the signature of the respective examiner.

Now, you see, here in Czech, all of the students here are responsible for this little blue book- named CREDIT BOOk. It basically record all your exams' marks and signatures saying that you already passed the subject and you can continue your study for the following year ( but of course they have the proper computerized recording system as well, somewhere). But this one is your record- for you to bring to the exam and for you to carry around. Like a report card in primary school that you have to bring home for your parents to sign, only, this one you got to keep it- yup, a little like that.

So every early semester, we wrote down all the subjects that we have to pass for that particular year- sort of injecting us with a shot of realism on what are we going to be facing, soon enough.

They're 3 exams to far that pushed me to that limit of having to constantly check my credit book(especially after waking up from sleep)-before i can finally settle down and admit, "yes, i did it, it's done". I don't know who implanted it in my brain that i might wake up, and find out that this is all just a dream.

Well, it happens right? When you want something or someone so really badly, the probability of them, making a huge grand appearance in our dream is super duper-ly HIGH, right?

So there, call me crazy, but these 3 subjects had successfully turned me into one.

1) CHEMISTRY- 1st year

2) PATHOPHYSIOLOGY - 3rd year

3) NEUROLOGY -4th year. ( the one i passed yesterday- Alhamdulillah)

No.No. the list doesn't stop there. There's more to come. I'll add it to the list when i get there ok!

As for the little blue book, if I make it till the end of this road, (please raise your hand and pray that I will), I promise I'm going to frame and hang it besides my scroll and on my living room wall.

Till then.

Neurotic Nervous breakdown.

I'm currently in the midst of panic attack at the moment. Hence, the post.

Few things usually wonder around my mind at times like this that i try over and over again to dismiss. (yes, this HAD happened countless of times before, duh!)

1) I keep picturing that time when i pick up the questions and I don't know a thing about it, sort of a blank-bimbo moments.

2) I also picture the moment where i picked up the card of question, smiling, knowing i would pass.

3) I picture myself walking out of the examination hall with my head down, fighting not to burst out tears in public with mind busy calculating the time i have left for next examination term-defeated.

4) I also see me packing away those neuro book, taking a deep breath, whispering DONE, LETS MOVE ON-out loud.

So there, am i the only one with this thought, or at some point you too, can't help but wonder what is going to be the outcome?

Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision

Hsi-Tang

Yes, I'm in the midst of breaking down but yet hopeful for a dust of miracle.