I must remember this.

I think i have found my "it" home.

It's a little late at night as I'm writing this, but i cant resist to document this thoughts. Yes, prolly the dimmed light, the soft distant cry of lonely cricket that triggers for words to flair more easily for me at this hour, but i just can't stop thinking about it.

The house belongs to a friend, a very lucky girl that i'm madly envious of more after stepping into her family house last few days. It's not a fair jealousy since she herself is now a talented young architect in an architect-born blood line but there it is. (i meant this on a really high note Haidar!)

I've heard about it long before. But by chance, I brave myself driving one and half hour all the way to her home. (With a nice long chat with Elya, of course!)

It's not your typical luxurious home, with over the top imported designer furniture that stares down at you or a sofa set so grand that intimidates and makes you feel uncomfortable to sit on.

While they're certainly not cheap, it is a very tasteful and cleverly used space and colour, a thoughtful blend of coziness and high-end. A distinctive mix of function and charm.

The warmth you felt, still resonate even days after you left.

It reminds me of a Scottish countryside.
It reminds me of an eclectic array of Barcelona.
It reminds me of the romantic Parisian walkways.

Ah, well, we all have different taste-bud. To each it's own.

But for me, all the unexplained desire that I've been looking for in a dream house, a huge chunk of it is there. A healthy balance of East and West.

I left Europe a month ago, stepping into her house just takes me back there.

Till then!

My out-loud vanity.

Putting myself out there. I mean here. Out here.

I don't know why i am over exposing myself here. Nor that I'm trying to justify anything. 

We were all over flooded with perfect selfie pictures all over social media, who sometimes manage to land themselves on billboards endorsing various hijab house or even shampoo. 

That instantaneous fame over how we look has become the very pursuit of creating a perfect image every time we snap a picture. Like we're all born with an imaginary elf in our head that we're trying so hard to impress.

Being a control freak that I am, everytime someone shoved a camera in my face gives me a sudden panic attack, knowing I can't really tell how I look straying from a comfort of taking it on my own. I respond to this in 2 ways, either shy away or simply just posed with an awkward overly-done-trying-too-hard expression.

The problem being is, I know what i want to see in a picture of myself, that flatters whatever thing that needs flattering. That radiates joy, self sufficiency, contended and at peace with my own thought as i gaze to nothingness. 

That raw fear of having my story told through imagery I do not control.

Freak. I know.

That often left me and the people who's involved exhausted and frustrated. 

Like any other, this mandates practice. And patience. Very few that are around me have the patience to let me practice. I understand constantly asking someone to repeatedly take picture until it met your requirement is awfully dull and intricately exhausting.  I will be often dismissed with a what-else-do-you-want conclusion. Very often i just surrender to this notion and stop trying all together. And left me intimidated.

My point?

I come to realize that this is not just a superficial case of feeding your vanity. It digs deeper than that. It's about how well do we perceived ourselves. How comfortable are we on how we look, what we wear, how tall or short we are. It's a struggle of self-worth. And acceptance. 

I read up upon this issue, and find a few solutions which might come in handy.

Next time someone point a camera at me, I'm going to pretend that i'm seeing a the most friendliest, nicest person I know, forget who else might see this picture and focus replying with the warmest smile I can master.

And just why the sudden urgent?

We are having serious talk about wedding. The one day I'll be photographed the most. And that raised a special concern. 

Prolly you don't suffer from this. And for that I adore you.